“In every area of my life, let Your Lordship rule, In every corner of my soul, Let Your Spirit take control.”
My parents aren’t that religious, although they believe in God. i didn’t grew up reciting prayers before meals or whatsoever. But I remember my parents ďo the “PABASA” thing in our house every Holy Week (PABASA – Catholic devotion in the Philippines during Holy Week, involves uninterrupted chanting of the life, passion and death of Jesus Christ) and then one old lady who used to borrow me from my mother when I was in grade-school and we go house-to-house doing the Black Rosary (as far as I can remember, every year for a month we do this). When I turned to High School, I joined every extra curricular activities from school that I can get myself into, because I like it, and because all my friends are there – normal teenager crap. Band Member, Scout, Basketball Player, Class President, School Officer, I even tried to be in a Dance group, unfortunately I am not graceful 😅😅😅 and because I am in a Catholic School, I also joined School’s Choir group, Theater group, Catechist (teaching grade schools once a week). Been active with all of these and almost all my 4-year life I am like a church kiddo.
During college, although I am still in a Catholic school, it has lessen, but I still attend mass once in a while. Then I got married and had kids. Again that once-in-a-month thing became once-in-a-year, I don’t know but I already lost interest or maybe I’m just that lazy ass. It is not because I don’t have faith, but maybe I don’t wanna see some hypocrite people who use to go to mass every Sunday just to check who is who and later talk shit about someone else’s life.
Then I went abroad to work, I go once in a while to church to attend mass or consecration alone or mostly with my friends. I even attended Bible studies here, I told myself, this is a good thing, it’s like I’m restoring my faith.
Last year, I was invited to attend a Christian Church and when they offered me to be part of the music team, I never hesitated, I told myself “This is my call”. It was every Friday (and the only rest day for me) but surprisingly, I was waking up earlier than if I have work, 6 in the morning I need to prepare they will pick me by 7 and practice time is 8, we will start the service by 11 and it will finish by 2 in the afternoon. I will reach my home by 4, 5, or 6 if we decided to eat outside after the service. This is my routine, and I never complained. The Pastor is gifted, he has the gift of tongue and knowledge. I was so overwhelmed and will even cry during the praise and worship part. I was so onto it. I / We trusted him as a father.
Until one news broke my heart, he was caught cheating, with someone who also have her family back home, and the people who catches him? The elder members of the church, red-handed. He manipulated the people, he was good at it, we even feel pity that he is alone and doesn’t have time for himself, so other members are even offering him to wash his clothes, clean his room and other things. People are giving tithes from their heart, even they don’t have much. That caught-in-the-act incident made a scandal to the church, and the members need to take some actions, I stayed for a week or two, then I quit. I felt anger, devastation. How many times they encouraged me to attend once again with a different Pastor but I refused, I maybe like this, once I am dedicated to something, I give my all heart, but once I quit, I quit.
I’m guilty, I shouldn’t depend my faith to the person who utter the words of the Lord, rather my love and belief for the Lord. But accept it or not, it will give us deep impact if the “Anointed One” that we taught is a “False” one. He is just but a human who can commit mistake. I don’t judge him, I can’t. I am disappointed to myself for letting him give a big impact to my faith.
I am regaining my belief on my own, not depending it to anyone but to Him directly, the Lord will judge you not on the amount of tithes you gave, not for the hours you spent inside a church, but He will judge you by your heart and your deeds. So many questions, doubts and confussions, I am still lost.
I am not trying to be a smart ass, I am not perfect, I am a sinner myself, just wondering where my faith has gone, it’s just my point of view and experience.