Posted in BLOG

Lord, One at a Time Please?

I don’t know if you can call me a good or a bad person, or simply an idiot who doesn’t learn. If I trust, I trust too much, if I love, I love too much, and if someone I trust betrays me, it will hurt me too much and leave me devastated, whether in relationship nor friendship. No matter how many times, but I still give all my heart. I’ve done wrong to people, a couple of times, I am human, I made mistakes which I regretted. I’ve done good things as well, as much as I can, I help and give without expecting anything in return. But when things turn around, I found myself alone.

Am I that dumb to think that the world will be fair with me because I tried to be? Am I that bad, for me to suffer all things that’s happening to me right now? How many times I prayed “Lord, I ain’t a bad person, why these things are coming to me, all at once?” – I got no respond. Then I even questioned, is there any God at all? I started praying hard when I was a child, because since I was “that” innocent child I experienced hurt and pain and heartaches and depressions and…. I don’t know what else… From that moment until now, why it never seems to end? Am I praying less? Is it not enough? Or I didn’t pass for being a “good human”?

The darkness of this room where I am is also filling my soul with evil thinking to end it all. I cried hard, so hard that I never had for so long, I tried to suppress for a while and don’t want to see weakness in me, but on my alone time and sorrow, I did. The depressions and pain are lingering in me. Even got up from my bed to look for medicines inside my cabinet. Yes, I am on the edge of that. I was…

And I heard laughs and voices from my inner soul and mind. My kids, they are still waiting for their mommy come back home, It is not the time yet…Not now, not like this. Why I am so careless and selfish to even have the taught of that?  I need to endure the consequences that I put myself into, all by myself. But never to give up. I still hope that one day, everything will be fine and I will be happy and in peace. For now, the fight for this life isn’t over yet.

If there’s really someone watching over me, I never asked for a lighter load, I know, I believe,  I’m a survivor. I just have a humble request, “Lord, one at a time, please?”

 

 

Advertisements

Author:

A mother, a child, a lover, a dreamer, a pet lover, a hard-headed bitch, a kind-hearted one, a human being with so many questions and depressions. I am ME...

4 thoughts on “Lord, One at a Time Please?

  1. “Do not pray for an easy life, pray for the strength to endure a difficult one.” – Bruce Lee
    Be encouraged, this too, shall pass.
    “When you’re ready to quit, you’re closer than you think.” – Bob Parsons
    You got this, it may not always feel like it, but you do. It does get better. It’s killing me to write the next bit because…I didn’t want to hear it when it was told to me; with tears coming down my cheeks: it’s going to get worse before it gets better.
    And they tell us to be strong but I’m telling you different…don’t be strong, be INDESTRUCTIBLE. Because before the great things happen, everything falls apart…so if everything is falling apart, if the storm is raging against you, hold fast…it never rains forever. If you feel like you’re unable to move forward, then focus on standing right where you are, indestructible. This. Too. Shall. Pass.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. No matter how hard I tried to get up, something’s pulling me down always, and there comes to a point that I felt tired and helpless, even thinking of committing the stupidest thing. But you are right, I should be indestructible, I’ve been through a lot of shit, why should I give up now?

      Liked by 1 person

      1. There is a quote by Jordan Sarah Weatherhead, it speaks volumes. So much so, I bought her book “Naked Truth” for both my daughters. I bought them both a copy. She has been to the bottom and encourages women like no one else I’ve read. The quote is, “If I ever fall and cannot get back up, I will fucking crawl until I get to where I need to be.” My daughters have found much encouragement in her writings. The book is one of poetry. I encourage you to check her out…Jordan Sarah Weatherhead. And hey, you got this!!

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I will definitely do that, I will check if that one is available here in UAE, hope it is otherwise I need to order via amazon. and thanks bruh. God bless us all who’s struggling to survive. 🙂

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s