I don’t know if you can call me a good or a bad person, or simply an idiot who doesn’t learn. If I trust, I trust too much, if I love, I love too much, and if someone I trust betrays me, it will hurt me too much and leave me devastated, whether in relationship nor friendship. No matter how many times, but I still give all my heart. I’ve done wrong to people, a couple of times, I am human, I made mistakes which I regretted. I’ve done good things as well, as much as I can, I help and give without expecting anything in return. But when things turn around, I found myself alone.
Am I that dumb to think that the world will be fair with me because I tried to be? Am I that bad, for me to suffer all things that’s happening to me right now? How many times I prayed “Lord, I ain’t a bad person, why these things are coming to me, all at once?” – I got no respond. Then I even questioned, is there any God at all? I started praying hard when I was a child, because since I was “that” innocent child I experienced hurt and pain and heartaches and depressions and…. I don’t know what else… From that moment until now, why it never seems to end? Am I praying less? Is it not enough? Or I didn’t pass for being a “good human”?
The darkness of this room where I am is also filling my soul with evil thinking to end it all. I cried hard, so hard that I never had for so long, I tried to suppress for a while and don’t want to see weakness in me, but on my alone time and sorrow, I did. The depressions and pain are lingering in me. Even got up from my bed to look for medicines inside my cabinet. Yes, I am on the edge of that. I was…
And I heard laughs and voices from my inner soul and mind. My kids, they are still waiting for their mommy come back home, It is not the time yet…Not now, not like this. Why I am so careless and selfish to even have the taught of that? I need to endure the consequences that I put myself into, all by myself. But never to give up. I still hope that one day, everything will be fine and I will be happy and in peace. For now, the fight for this life isn’t over yet.
If there’s really someone watching over me, I never asked for a lighter load, I know, I believe, I’m a survivor. I just have a humble request, “Lord, one at a time, please?”