A hidden beauty
complicated pretty mind
Let them discover
no need to worry
Go spread your wings and fly
Be afraid no more
Stop not, Get your tool, Get up!
Take the risk, dream high. ©
I was athletic when I’m on my teenage years, and yes I am damn physically fit. I was once a softball, lawn tennis, dart and my favorite – being a basketball varsity player.
Things changed on my body when I became a dedicated mother to my 3 kids, no more exercise or activities, I was a fully pledge mom, and how the fuck I didn’t notice that I gained a lot, and I mean A LOT – (double chin, a bulk of belly fats, thighs sooooo big) having hard time to breath and to move. I became the center of attraction, of course not in the good way but yes, insults and laughter where I work. I didn’t give a heck, I am busy being a mother, work-home-work-home, this was my daily routine.
Now I am here in the Middle East, seeing myself in front of the mirror back then – I told myself – maybe this is one of the reason why my husband cheated on me, for how many times. Nah – a cheater is a cheater no matter what your size will be. So enough with the drama, let’s get back to the topic.
I said, let me give it a try. My weight when I decided to do it was 150kg – please NO mockery, I was obese I know! I start not having rice, MORNING- I will have a piece of bread, LUNCH- will be a normal meal and in the EVENING – I will have fruits or steamed fish/chicken breast or vegetables as my dinner. It was a struggle, I can feel my body shaking for a couple of weeks. After 6 months, the changes are visible. & I decided to go to gym, having light to moderate physical exercises just to keep my body active. I was a gym gaga for 2 years straight and I dropped to 90kg, still a little overweight for my height of 5’8″ (173cm) but that was a good result.
Suddenly I STOPPED, I suffered from depression and anxiety combined – I just do not want to do anything – call it being lazy whatever you wanted. But having both is like a living hell. After work, instead of walking outside or do something, I imprisoned myself at home, eating unhealthy food, be disgusted if you want to. I gained weight again, an additional 15kg for a little period of time, I wasted my hard workouts, which was more depressing, whom I need to blame but myself alone, and felt being so weak for having this condition. Even my employer and colleagues will constantly tell me:
“what happened to you? You were taking care of yourself two years back, aren’t you loving yourself now, don’t you wanna be healthy?”
OUCH! That hurts! Damn it, like a sharp tool straight to my heart! Tears wanna go down from my eyes but I didn’t let it, I just smiled – a painful one. Again, I lost confidence, I felt old and ugly. I think I need to experience it or maybe it wasn’t my fault at all, maybe this condition that I am having which I need to fight. NOW.
Slowly, I’m getting back on track, preparing myself once again to hit the gym, I ain’t doing this because of the insults I am having again – fuck that shit! Remember this! Our planet is not made of sugar, spice and everything nice – NEVER let anyone affect you. NEVER do anything for someone but for Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F. People will never understand a mental condition that is affecting your well-being, both psychological and physical – some people just know how to mock or make fun of you. I am doing this for myself, to ease my anxiety, keep my mind healthy and my body will follow, to also regain my self-confidence that I lost. Physically fit or overweight, love yourself, it starts within us, that makes us beautiful.