I was athletic when I’m on my teenage years, and yes I am damn physically fit. I was once a softball, lawn tennis, dart and my favorite – being a basketball varsity player.
Things changed on my body when I became a dedicated mother to my 3 kids, no more exercise or activities, I was a fully pledge mom, and how the fuck I didn’t notice that I gained a lot, and I mean A LOT – (double chin, a bulk of belly fats, thighs sooooo big) having hard time to breath and to move. I became the center of attraction, of course not in the good way but yes, insults and laughter where I work. I didn’t give a heck, I am busy being a mother, work-home-work-home, this was my daily routine.
Now I am here in the Middle East, seeing myself in front of the mirror back then – I told myself – maybe this is one of the reason why my husband cheated on me, for how many times. Nah – a cheater is a cheater no matter what your size will be. So enough with the drama, let’s get back to the topic.
I said, let me give it a try. My weight when I decided to do it was 150kg – please NO mockery, I was obese I know! I start not having rice, MORNING- I will have a piece of bread, LUNCH- will be a normal meal and in the EVENING – I will have fruits or steamed fish/chicken breast or vegetables as my dinner. It was a struggle, I can feel my body shaking for a couple of weeks. After 6 months, the changes are visible. & I decided to go to gym, having light to moderate physical exercises just to keep my body active. I was a gym gaga for 2 years straight and I dropped to 90kg, still a little overweight for my height of 5’8″ (173cm) but that was a good result.
Suddenly I STOPPED, I suffered from depression and anxiety combined – I just do not want to do anything – call it being lazy whatever you wanted. But having both is like a living hell. After work, instead of walking outside or do something, I imprisoned myself at home, eating unhealthy food, be disgusted if you want to. I gained weight again, an additional 15kg for a little period of time, I wasted my hard workouts, which was more depressing, whom I need to blame but myself alone, and felt being so weak for having this condition. Even my employer and colleagues will constantly tell me:
“what happened to you? You were taking care of yourself two years back, aren’t you loving yourself now, don’t you wanna be healthy?”
OUCH! That hurts! Damn it, like a sharp tool straight to my heart! Tears wanna go down from my eyes but I didn’t let it, I just smiled – a painful one. Again, I lost confidence, I felt old and ugly. I think I need to experience it or maybe it wasn’t my fault at all, maybe this condition that I am having which I need to fight. NOW.
Slowly, I’m getting back on track, preparing myself once again to hit the gym, I ain’t doing this because of the insults I am having again – fuck that shit! Remember this! Our planet is not made of sugar, spice and everything nice – NEVER let anyone affect you. NEVER do anything for someone but for Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F. People will never understand a mental condition that is affecting your well-being, both psychological and physical – some people just know how to mock or make fun of you. I am doing this for myself, to ease my anxiety, keep my mind healthy and my body will follow, to also regain my self-confidence that I lost. Physically fit or overweight, love yourself, it starts within us, that makes us beautiful.