Posted in BLOG

Monsters in Your Head

(Heavy breathing can be heard, like trying to catch every air available in that dark room)

Help! Help! 

Screaming so loud but no one can hear your agony.

“(Panting!) It’s dark in here, don’t know where I am, nowhere to go…. I am tired, I am exhausted… “The Monsters” are here again, they will not stop. I’ll end this, they can not hurt me again.! They will consume every part of me. I can’t breathe. They’re going to kill me, or maybe I should do it by myself, I need to end my suffering, I need to end this life. They can’t follow me when I’m dead!”

This is not a horror story!!! This can be the monsters lurking in someone’s head. It can be mine, yours or a person you know.

Some may define it as – Depression, a situation we often take for granted but don’t realize how serious it can be to anyone who is suffering from it. It is like an evil that’s gonna consume our strength and sanity, we may not see the signs until it’s too late. It can be anyone, they can be your parents, siblings, your child, relatives, teachers, employers, friends, neighbors, celebrities you admire, or You… or me.

Depression is a mental condition where the one’s affected may have a traumatic experience such as – loss of love ones, bullying, work difficulties, personal problems, family matters, heartaches or financial situations. Some people can be so judgmental, can’t fully understand or just laugh at someone who claims to be experiencing it, until it’s too late that they’ll commit suicide or ruin their lives, some relies on substances, like drugs, alcohols and other forms of addictions. They turn into these as an escape from reality and thinking too much.

It is so alarming that even kids nowadays take their own lives or can  do acts that we never imagine from the innocent child that we thought. Their environment has a lot to do about it, it starts in the family circle, then their schools, friends and so on. Social media has a lot of factor with their behavior too. As a parent/guardian, we need to be aware what happens with our kids when they step out of the house. Communication, love and caring are still the best defenses.

Please… Listen, learn and try to understand.

When we know someone is being on this predicament, the ones affected should have someone to talk to, advises, and if possible – medical attention. It is a serious matter that we should not take for granted. Seek professional help. Act now, or you may lose someone dear to you…


Posted in BLOG

Take a Break, Breathe

Anyone, no matter what’s your life status, whoever the fuck you are, either you’re the richest man in the world or an average worker, needed a break once in a while… Not just to spend money or for leisure only , rather than to breathe and escape from the crazy world we are at.

We have different choices to release our stress, calm ourselves, meditate, unwind, freshen our mind, soul search, breathe… or whatever you wanna call it.

While some of us might choose to travel out of the country, shopping, visit historical places, road trips –  I choose to be near the ocean/nature, it calms me and my inner soul. The relaxing sound of the waves breaking on the shores, the humming of birds, and the fresh air blowing, seems like it is removing all the toxins from your body. These, are priceless, it’s worth doing every now and then, just to get back your mind to sanity, think properly and come out fresh again.

You? What’s your escape from reality? 

Photo and Video Credit: Diana Leigh

Posted in BLOG



I am a lost soul

here in the dark world

Tried my might

crawled like a worm

this agonizing pain

can you tell what im having?

A poker face, hiding the pain

My stupidity, my choice

my suffering, i’m to blame

when can I learn to say no

save myself in troubles too

I am a lost soul

bad decisions I made

I am to blame

Involved others

from irresponsibility

and carelessness

I am to blame

Now how can I endure their wrath

How can I start?

When I lost everything

I lost everything

Sorry is not enough.

It’s not enough.

Even time can’t tell.

Posted in POEM

It’s The Time Of The Month


It’s the time of the month
butt aching, back hurting
hands throbbing
all are cramming

It’s the time of the month
pen, calculators and files ready
eight hours and more, be steady
all needs to be done correctly

It’s the time of the month
all are stressed
reports that they request
Oh dear! I need a rest

It’s the time of the month
when Tylenol is my ally
Migraine are here to stay
if only I can run away

It’s the time of the month
Multi-Tasking & responsibility
Attack! Attack! Again here’s my anxiety!
Finished, done, submitted finally!©


Photo Credit: Google Search


Posted in BLOG

The Throwback

I was athletic when I’m on my teenage years, and yes I am damn physically fit. I was once a softball, lawn tennis, dart and my favorite – being a basketball varsity player.

Things changed on my body when I became a dedicated mother to my 3 kids, no more exercise or activities, I was a fully pledge mom, and how the fuck I didn’t notice that I gained a lot, and I mean A LOT – (double chin, a bulk of belly fats, thighs sooooo big) having hard time to breath and to move. I became the center of attraction, of course not in the good way but yes, insults and laughter where I work. I didn’t give a heck, I am busy being a mother, work-home-work-home, this was my daily routine.

Now I am here in the Middle East, seeing myself in front of the mirror back then – I told myself – maybe this is one of the reason why my husband cheated on me, for how many times. Nah – a cheater is a cheater no matter what your size will be. So enough with the drama, let’s get back to the topic.

I said, let me give it a try. My weight when I decided to do it was 150kg – please NO mockery, I was obese I know! I start not having rice, MORNING- I will have a piece of bread, LUNCH- will be a normal meal and in the EVENING – I will have fruits or steamed fish/chicken breast or vegetables as my dinner. It was a struggle, I can feel my body shaking for a couple of weeks. After 6 months, the changes are visible. & I decided to go to gym, having light to moderate physical exercises just to keep my body active. I was a gym gaga for 2 years straight and I dropped to 90kg, still a little overweight for my height of 5’8″ (173cm) but that was a good result.

Suddenly I STOPPED, I suffered from depression and anxiety combined – I just do not want to do anything – call it being lazy whatever you wanted. But having both is like a living hell. After work, instead of walking outside or do something, I imprisoned myself at home, eating unhealthy food, be disgusted if you want to. I gained weight again, an additional 15kg for a little period of time, I wasted my hard workouts, which was more depressing, whom I need to blame but myself alone, and felt being so weak for having this condition. Even my employer and colleagues will constantly tell me:

 “what happened to you? You were taking care of yourself two years back, aren’t you loving yourself now, don’t you wanna be healthy?”

OUCH! That hurts! Damn it, like a sharp tool straight to my heart! Tears wanna go down from my eyes but I didn’t let it, I just smiled – a painful one. Again, I lost confidence, I felt old and ugly. I think I need to experience it or maybe it wasn’t my fault at all, maybe this condition that I am having which I need to fight. NOW.

Slowly, I’m getting back on track, preparing myself once again to hit the gym, I ain’t doing this because of the insults I am having again – fuck that shit! Remember this! Our planet is not made of sugar, spice and everything nice – NEVER let anyone affect you. NEVER do anything for someone but for Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F. People will never understand a mental condition that is affecting your well-being, both psychological and physical – some people just know how to mock or make fun of you. I am doing this for myself, to ease my anxiety, keep my mind healthy and my body will follow, to also regain my self-confidence that I lost. Physically fit or overweight, love yourself, it starts within us, that makes us beautiful.


via Daily Prompt: Planet

Posted in POEM

Romancing My Anxiety


I am afraid of my future
I am afraid of my past
don’t know until when I will torture,
torture myself and when it will last

I tried a lot to survive
but why all is in vain?
Is it this hard to be alive
in a world full of pain?

I can feel the palpitation of my heart
every time, all the time, I’m keeping the fear inside
this can’t continue, I need to start
this is my life, and I need to fight! I need to fight!

For years, I am Romancing my Anxiety,
caressing it like a lover in my arm
allowing my fears to consume my soul and sanity
say no more, say no more… From today, you can do no harm.©