Posted in BLOG

Monsters in Your Head

(Heavy breathing can be heard, like trying to catch every air available in that dark room)

Help! Help! 

Screaming so loud but no one can hear your agony.

“(Panting!) It’s dark in here, don’t know where I am, nowhere to go…. I am tired, I am exhausted… “The Monsters” are here again, they will not stop. I’ll end this, they can not hurt me again.! They will consume every part of me. I can’t breathe. They’re going to kill me, or maybe I should do it by myself, I need to end my suffering, I need to end this life. They can’t follow me when I’m dead!”

This is not a horror story!!! This can be the monsters lurking in someone’s head. It can be mine, yours or a person you know.

Some may define it as – Depression, a situation we often take for granted but don’t realize how serious it can be to anyone who is suffering from it. It is like an evil that’s gonna consume our strength and sanity, we may not see the signs until it’s too late. It can be anyone, they can be your parents, siblings, your child, relatives, teachers, employers, friends, neighbors, celebrities you admire, or You… or me.

Depression is a mental condition where the one’s affected may have a traumatic experience such as – loss of love ones, bullying, work difficulties, personal problems, family matters, heartaches or financial situations. Some people can be so judgmental, can’t fully understand or just laugh at someone who claims to be experiencing it, until it’s too late that they’ll commit suicide or ruin their lives, some relies on substances, like drugs, alcohols and other forms of addictions. They turn into these as an escape from reality and thinking too much.

It is so alarming that even kids nowadays take their own lives or can  do acts that we never imagine from the innocent child that we thought. Their environment has a lot to do about it, it starts in the family circle, then their schools, friends and so on. Social media has a lot of factor with their behavior too. As a parent/guardian, we need to be aware what happens with our kids when they step out of the house. Communication, love and caring are still the best defenses.

Please… Listen, learn and try to understand.

When we know someone is being on this predicament, the ones affected should have someone to talk to, advises, and if possible – medical attention. It is a serious matter that we should not take for granted. Seek professional help. Act now, or you may lose someone dear to you…

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Posted in BLOG

Starting All Over Again

What’s the worst feeling for you?

For me, it is when you already tried your best but you still fucked it up at the end. Trusting people too much, too much that you compromised your own life/future. Realizing things when it is damn too late, trying to be a good person, sacrificing in the name of so-called “friendship” while at the end, when everything fails, you are the only one considered bad despite the things you did. How can I ever let this happened to myself? When will I ever learn?

I remember the day when my best friend warned me and said “You came here to work, not for friendship” – There’s a second meaning to that statement, she doesn’t mean not having friends, but telling me to be cautious and not putting myself into trouble just to satisfy someone, I ignored her, then just thought about it again when I am already drowned with my own mistakes. I tried everything, but no matter how much I tried to pull my legs to get up it is sucking me more like a quicksand.

I fucked up.

But then again, I paused for a while and took a deep breath… I need to pick up my own pieces of shit, stand up regain my strength. To learn from my bad decisions, be firm next time, saying “NO” is a MUST – if you really can’t, never be shy to let them down. You’ll both be saved from the consequences after.

To start from scratch is like looking for a needle in a haystack, especially when you are already on your mid 30s with kids. People might say “Goddamn! What have you done to your life?” Well, shut the fuck up! I already asked that myself before you!  “What  have I done to myself.? What have I done to my kids’ future?” To hell what other people might say or think, they don’t feed me and my kids, they only know how to criticize on someone else’s mistakes.


But it is what it is, things happened beyond our control. We just need to face the consequences of our actions, no matter what it is. No matter how hard it will be. I need to stand up, dust myself off, and start all over again, for I am a strong woman, for I am a Survivor. 

I am rebooting in 3….2….1…..


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Photos from Google Images

Posted in BLOG

Take a Break, Breathe

Anyone, no matter what’s your life status, whoever the fuck you are, either you’re the richest man in the world or an average worker, needed a break once in a while… Not just to spend money or for leisure only , rather than to breathe and escape from the crazy world we are at.

We have different choices to release our stress, calm ourselves, meditate, unwind, freshen our mind, soul search, breathe… or whatever you wanna call it.

While some of us might choose to travel out of the country, shopping, visit historical places, road trips –  I choose to be near the ocean/nature, it calms me and my inner soul. The relaxing sound of the waves breaking on the shores, the humming of birds, and the fresh air blowing, seems like it is removing all the toxins from your body. These, are priceless, it’s worth doing every now and then, just to get back your mind to sanity, think properly and come out fresh again.

You? What’s your escape from reality? 

Photo and Video Credit: Diana Leigh

Posted in BLOG

FAILURE

 

I am a lost soul

here in the dark world

Tried my might

crawled like a worm

this agonizing pain

can you tell what im having?

A poker face, hiding the pain

My stupidity, my choice

my suffering, i’m to blame

when can I learn to say no

save myself in troubles too

I am a lost soul

bad decisions I made

I am to blame

Involved others

from irresponsibility

and carelessness

I am to blame

Now how can I endure their wrath

How can I start?

When I lost everything

I lost everything

Sorry is not enough.

It’s not enough.

Even time can’t tell.

Posted in BLOG

The Throwback

I was athletic when I’m on my teenage years, and yes I am damn physically fit. I was once a softball, lawn tennis, dart and my favorite – being a basketball varsity player.

Things changed on my body when I became a dedicated mother to my 3 kids, no more exercise or activities, I was a fully pledge mom, and how the fuck I didn’t notice that I gained a lot, and I mean A LOT – (double chin, a bulk of belly fats, thighs sooooo big) having hard time to breath and to move. I became the center of attraction, of course not in the good way but yes, insults and laughter where I work. I didn’t give a heck, I am busy being a mother, work-home-work-home, this was my daily routine.

Now I am here in the Middle East, seeing myself in front of the mirror back then – I told myself – maybe this is one of the reason why my husband cheated on me, for how many times. Nah – a cheater is a cheater no matter what your size will be. So enough with the drama, let’s get back to the topic.

I said, let me give it a try. My weight when I decided to do it was 150kg – please NO mockery, I was obese I know! I start not having rice, MORNING- I will have a piece of bread, LUNCH- will be a normal meal and in the EVENING – I will have fruits or steamed fish/chicken breast or vegetables as my dinner. It was a struggle, I can feel my body shaking for a couple of weeks. After 6 months, the changes are visible. & I decided to go to gym, having light to moderate physical exercises just to keep my body active. I was a gym gaga for 2 years straight and I dropped to 90kg, still a little overweight for my height of 5’8″ (173cm) but that was a good result.

Suddenly I STOPPED, I suffered from depression and anxiety combined – I just do not want to do anything – call it being lazy whatever you wanted. But having both is like a living hell. After work, instead of walking outside or do something, I imprisoned myself at home, eating unhealthy food, be disgusted if you want to. I gained weight again, an additional 15kg for a little period of time, I wasted my hard workouts, which was more depressing, whom I need to blame but myself alone, and felt being so weak for having this condition. Even my employer and colleagues will constantly tell me:

 “what happened to you? You were taking care of yourself two years back, aren’t you loving yourself now, don’t you wanna be healthy?”

OUCH! That hurts! Damn it, like a sharp tool straight to my heart! Tears wanna go down from my eyes but I didn’t let it, I just smiled – a painful one. Again, I lost confidence, I felt old and ugly. I think I need to experience it or maybe it wasn’t my fault at all, maybe this condition that I am having which I need to fight. NOW.

Slowly, I’m getting back on track, preparing myself once again to hit the gym, I ain’t doing this because of the insults I am having again – fuck that shit! Remember this! Our planet is not made of sugar, spice and everything nice – NEVER let anyone affect you. NEVER do anything for someone but for Y.O.U.R.S.E.L.F. People will never understand a mental condition that is affecting your well-being, both psychological and physical – some people just know how to mock or make fun of you. I am doing this for myself, to ease my anxiety, keep my mind healthy and my body will follow, to also regain my self-confidence that I lost. Physically fit or overweight, love yourself, it starts within us, that makes us beautiful.

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via Daily Prompt: Planet

Posted in BLOG

A Little Hope

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I often passes by near this tree, I never paid any attention to it. It was just like other ordinary plants that standing there but seems dead, until today I noticed something, there are small fresh leaves coming out from its branches, which you will not see unless you really take a good glance at it. Looks lifeless but still fighting for its existence. Its uses all resources it can get for a little chance just to be alive.

Funny that I even compared myself to it. How many times I failed and felt so worthless, felt tired of trying to fight and make all things right. The moment that I will finally step up my one foot  to get up from all  of these predicaments of my so-called “perfect life”, bullshits will be pouring at once and will knock me down again. They say, when it rains, it pours, damn fucking its true, it pours me with problems all at the same damn time. I almost gave up, yes, ALMOST! How many times.

But then, I am just like this tree, designed to fight the extreme dry weather. Its roots stands for my soul and will power to survive, I got my armor on, will let all of “them” to throw punches and kick me, making me numb and stronger than ever, until they will be the one who will give up. But not me, it’ll never be me. Use that little hope left in your heart, use it as your own armor to go on and fight for your right in this life.